Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
