i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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