Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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