why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I supernannyed him into submission
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
