Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
