What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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