i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
