cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
