Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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