The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
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How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
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I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize