I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
