So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
