she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
