Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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