he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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