I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
