Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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