we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
