my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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