Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
