he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
