im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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