I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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