You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
