I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
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If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
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Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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