Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
