Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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