Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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