I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
