Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
did i walk over a car last night?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
