Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
