is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
