can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
