Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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