she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
