1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
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