So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
