I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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