Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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