My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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