Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Boobs speak an international language.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
