Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
