I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
