i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
