whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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