I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
