He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
