I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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