So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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