I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
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