did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
