I'm gonna have a badass scar
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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