i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
