there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
