i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
