Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
