It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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