Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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