i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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